Monkey Boy and his Motley Skeleton Crew
by RealSayakaMaizono
Summary: A parody One Piece story about breaking the rules, all of the rules. Written by someone who has never seen an episode of One Piece in their life.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

The happy, brave pirate kid hurriedly, and quickly dashingly leaped for the ropes. Or so he would have, had he been awake, but, alas, he was asleep. Luffy slippingly flopped out of the lovingly comfortably floaty dream with which consumed his painfully, strained brain. He was ready to begin the day. He was full of energy and beans and all that good stuff.

Suddenly, a sword smashingly shatteringly crashed through the door. The door swingingly swung wide, and out confidently emerged….

 **Alvida!**

Luffy's most dastardly, **bastardly** foe. His best nemesis. His worst frenemy.

At least for the moment. (He has _**a lot**_ of them, actually.)

In his castle, ready for battle, sick of hassle, Luffy grappled for the evil big bad gal, grabbing her plump, juicy, three inch long by six inch wide scruffy protruding chin. A clash of swords shun beneath the light of the overbearing sun pouring in from the castle's skylight, baking the spritely fighting combatants with bright, white light, on their right side. They were so caught up in their clash to the death, their ill-fated fight, that they were distracted from the fact that the Undertaker threw a Hamurai through the Skylight, who quickly plummeted 16 feet to the ground through the announcer's table as the announcers were busy commentating on the match between Luffy and Alvida who were currently contestants in the semi-finals.

Before long a clear winner emerged. Luffy had massively crashingly hung his foe with a low-blow - crushing his foot hard into Alvida's precious nether regions. Weakly wheezing, writhing while whining with wild wrath, Alvida collapsed against the warm wooden walkway of the miniature ship within the castle, within the sunken ruins, within the fishbowl that they were both inside.

It was at that moment that Luffy realised he was still dreaming, and woke up for real.


	2. Chapter 1

It was a dark and stormy night.

Luffy lay in bed and tossed and turned and trembled and twitched and tasted the cold nightly air gnawing at him like the grief over his missing cat, Mr Fluffles The Third.

Luffy stepped out onto the clanking deck of the Going Merry. On a night like this, he couldn't help but think of the dark army of dead men sleeping with the fishes; cement shoes in line. They were hard to forget - _he_ had put most of them there. _The absolute madman._

Luffy suddenly snapped, seemingly sensing something suspicious. Carefully creepily crawling along a row of used fishing equipment resting atop the waterlogged deck - there it was.

Luffy kindly asked, "What ye' be doing out here this late at night?"

Something suspicious rudely replied, "Swabbing my deck, what' ye think I bedoin'?"

Luffy cried out in frustration, "Why ye' be fretting so much o'er ye darn deck?"

Something suspicious succulently stammered, "Me deck be precious and long. We _**must**_ protect it. If not for me deck holding strong, we'd be covered in rancid liquid."

Luffy froze, swallowing back something fierce, "...Ye' mean… the murky brine?"

Something suspicious sighed slowly, "Aye, O 'course I mean water! What ye' be thinking I trying to say? The deck o' the ship be keeping us all from drowning in the drink. Bugger me, Luffy. Go get some rest, you be needing it."

Luffy described his nightly troubles, "I can't sleep amidst that terrible racket."

Something suspicious replied, "Oh, don't be minding that. 'S just the tennis players below deck. They ought' be finished up with haste soon."

Luffy let out a long lengthy luscious sigh of relief, "Great..."

Luffy stormed over to the bow of the ship and looked out towards the crashing waves. Luffy's gut wrenched at the thought of a monstrous sea beast he had heard several tall tales about. The stretch of sea the ship was passing through was rumored haunted by a horrible creature known as Moby Dick. Luffy had already heard rumors of seamen who had gone missing on voyages late at night, never to return.

It had gotten so bad that when the local port town put out a call for new seamen, nobody was brave enough to volunteer. Indeed, it seemed the case of the swallowed seamen would forever remain a mystery.


	3. Chapter 2

Luffy turned away from the swirling seas as thunder cracked thunderously ahead. Cutting along the ship's edge, he observed a few darkened figures still ambling about despite the dark and the cold and the rain and the fog and the absolutely disgusting smell of rotting fish flesh engulfing the ship like a floating garbage tip.

One figure stood out amidst the fog. It was that bulking blockhead, Franky. He was six-foot-four, and full of muscles. He said he met a strange lady who made him nervous, so he came aboard the ship to get away from her. Luffy wasn't sure what part of the world he hailed from, but it was likely some land down under. Mostly he just devoured all the breakfast and handled all the ship's heavy lifting. Luffy appreciated the company of the pack mule - it kept him from having to break his back like the rest of his slaves.

Luffy also spotted that big, benign, bright blue beast, boldly balancing beautiful brobdingnagian banana barrels besides Bill's breezy barbeque. It was Jinbe, and the two were busy cooking away and sweating over the great pit of fire, scarlet flames licking up their sweet surroundings. Traces of a great lofty cloud of thick, black pluming, dark dusty smoke bellowed up from the rusty, sun-cooked steel sheets of the well used, second hand barbeque. Luffy questioned what desire the two had to try to cook under such terrible circumstances, but the wafting scent of fresh bashashi covered up the rotting fish guts, and for that he was grateful.

Then there was Brook. Brook rowed.

Luffy continued along, stopping to observe as that sliverous snake from before squeezed out a dry, brown cube over the deck of the ship before slipping away through a rusty hole. Luffy waited to hear the 'PLOP' before moving on, satisfied that it wasn't an IED.

Luffy jumped dutifully at the sight of a rustic chest resting against a corner of the far deck. His mouth watered like a cup of water at the though that it might contain pirate treasure, despite having not been buried or hidden. But his chest burned with an allure that could not be contained. Luffy threw open the lid of the chest, his fingers trembling with anticipation, mostly due to arthritis, only to find… it was Gaimon. His golden opportunity - gone.

Luffy sighed and slammed the lid back down on the stupid black afro creature for getting his hopes up over nothing. He hurried below deck, cursing under his breath. He swore that one day, the world would kiss his rich boots.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: An adventurous expedition in pursuit of sweet intoxicating liquids**

The frail, young adult of small proportions sporting the brimmed hat woven of straw or some other similarly pale yellow material gingerly and fastidiously perambulated throughout the timber surroundings that made up the internal structure of the underbelly of the sailing vessel of which had been given the nomenclature of the 'Going Merry' by the aforementioned marauder and cutthroat of dubious morality.

The courageous but ultimately juvenile boy of pirate origin vigorously asserted the raw bulk of his tremendously bulky muscular force in order to force outward the hulking and solid doors of which exhibited a great quantity of reclaimed metals and were produced exclusively for the express purpose of being utilized within seafaring vessels as a means of reliability and security.

Gazing in the direction equally shared with the forward angle of his present positioning, the youthful pirate lad observed that he had, indeed, located the precise designated area of the ship with which he had originally set out for. The capacious and bustling room was dominated by a structure stretching out across the length of the entire area of the room, constructed of a dark brown thick oak, littered with bottles, aluminum cans and other similarly empty containers of liquid. Indeed, it became immediately apparent that the presently described area fit the description of an establishment for the sale of beer and other drinks, and sometimes also food, to be consumed on the premises.

The adolescent lad donning the dark leather strapped sandals wasted nary a moment in his efforts to direct himself in the direction of the oak counter, surely intent on becoming the recipient of a satisfyingly chilled beverage of opulent variety, as would be befitting of such a notable denizen brimming with personality and recognition such as himself.

Indeed, as he at last traversed the brief distance between the entrance of the drinking establishment and the counter with which to order said drinks, he drew forth a tattered and rigid supportive structure to assist him in his overall tired state, often described as a stool. Resting comfortably atop that patchwork leather cloth, the boy flagged down a suitably suit wearing assistant to produce the goods with which he so desperately sought after.

It was not but a brief interlude before the requested liquid container containing sake was delivered and placed firmly before the boy, much to his relief. Resting his squalid, plump juicy fingers beside his thin, almost emaciated jawline, the boy sighed, immense, indescribable relief filling his spacious lungs as he inhaled precious sweet air.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: A tale of two star-crossed loverssssssssssss**

Luffy sat at the bar for hours, drowning his sorrows, aided by countless bottles of sake and Kōra. He was lost in contemplation, his thoughts a mix of emotions over this latest expedition. He had set sail for the Island of Rare Animals after hearing tales it may still contain several chests laden with treasure. Luffy felt disappointed with his meager findings on Dawn Island and Foosha Village, and hungered for new avenues of wealth. A tinge of homesickness settled in as he thought about his father, Monkey D. Dragon. But Luffy knew he was on the right course, this journey would see him return home a rich man, esteemed, successful. Nothing could unsettle the boy from this course.

Before a deep, sinister voice whispered from behind.

"Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru..."

" **NAMI!?** "

Luffy panicked, craning his neck to face the source of the voice. Instant relief washed over him as he was greeted by Nami's smiling face. Luffy couldn't help but crush on her. Ever since they had met aboard a cruise ship that came under the attack of Alvida, he had harbored feelings of inner lust for her. In that moment, blinded by deep intoxication, he gazed longingly upon her tremendous assets.

Nami's breasts bounced like Aunt Alice's molded jello back at home, and probably tasted just as good, if not better. Luffy couldn't wait to take a crack at those juicy watermelons. All he could do was stare longingly at her curvy coconuts. Something squeezed within his shorts, and he hardened like a Metapod.

Seductively, she said, "You know Luffy, you shouldn't drink like that, I know something much more… fun we could do together."

Luffy froze and stared into Nami's eyes, then at her breasts, then back to her eyes, then back to her breasts again. Luffy was sure she just implied she wanted to do the thing with him. Luffy watched as his suspicions were confirmed. Nami gazed, sported a coy smile and gestured with her finger, beckoning him closer.

Luffy couldn't believe it. They had only just met, everything was all so sudden. He even recalled that time she sold him out to Buggy. Yet now, she seemed primed and ready to do the dirty. However, Luffy refrained from questioning her bizarre behaviour and practically launched himself off the stool to be by her side. Nami took Luffy by the arm and led him across the bowels of the ship to a dark, secluded room at the back of the Going Merry.

The room was orange like the skin of a giant orange. The carpet was white like snow but not as cold as snow since it was 86 degrees outside. The walls met the ceiling at right angles. There was some furniture in the room, like a bed. Luffy knew - this is where it would happen.

Nami flung herself against the bed and struck a pose like a french girl on a magazine cover. Luffy hurriedly cut along the rim of the bed to be beside her. Their faces got closer together. A lava lamp on the nightstand glowed on her face. The blues made her look mysterious, the reds screamed ' **SEX**!'

Luffy paused and thought to himself, "...What are we going to do on the bed?"

Her teeth shone like perfect pearls in the dim light. He wanted to taste those lips. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back some more. That was his cue, he could tell. So he pushed his lips against hers. Her lips were warm and soft and tasted like breath mints. It was good. She sighed a little bit, and he thought she would pull away then, but she didn't. So he made the kiss better. Their tongues met like wild beasts, their dance ageless and timeless.

At this point, his raging manhood was bursting at the seams of his shorts, and so he undid the zipper she couldn't. Luffy reached down and took hold of something long and firm, rubbing his fingers along the surface of the skin. Nami's eyes shot wide and she screamed, a look of horror in her eyes. Luffy could not understand why his phallic manhood would disturb her. He certainly hoped she wasn't disappointed in his size. Luffy looked down, and suddenly made sense of the strange reaction. He wasn't holding what he thought he was, in fact, the whole time his hand had been wrapped around that black Georgia snake from earlier, it must have slithered into his shorts at some point.

Luffy cried out, "FILTHY PEEPER!" and wrenched the snake free from his shorts, gripping it firmly, before tossing it out of a porthole and into the ocean below, hopefully never to return. At last free from distractions, Luffy returned to Nami's side and got ready for the big moment. For a brief moment, Luffy was overcome with fear and concern for what might result from this awfully sensual encounter, but quickly relieved himself, remembering he was infertile.

Luffy fed his juicy sausage into Nami's meat grinder. Luffy watched as it disappeared deep within the dark hole. Luffy could already sense the whipped cream and icing building up inside, ready to splatter all over her nice dry pastry like a virgin meringue.

And so it began.

MmMMmmmmMMMpphh…..

O...oohh, OHHHHH!

O...oh, argh… NNnggghhh…

Phhheeww, Haaa…. Heh….

OOF!

N...ngggghh, yeah…. Wwwwooooaaaaaaaaaah…..


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: One Piece or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the schlock.**

Luffy awoke in a cold sweat, sick and tired to the bone, lying in a puddle of his own puke. Slowly coming to his senses, he forcingly forced his aching ailing ankles to rise up and get to his feet. Luffy felt the terrible green ooze sinking and sliding between slippery slick sausage-sized fingers as he pushed himself up from the floor. He took a moment to catch his breath and regretted it - a sliver of venomous vomit escaped onto his tongue as he took a breath.

Demonstrating his considerable intelligence, Luffy immediately stuck his fingers into his mouth to clear the vomit, introducing further sickly green goopy green goo into his throat, like Winnie the Pooh sticking his hand into a jar of honey. Luffy looked around in a blaze for something to douse his sick watery flavoured desert throat from the swampy scent coating his throat like a rainforest. All he could find was a bottle of Ponzu, which he quickly swallowed whole, although he knew he would later regret digesting the bottle.

Luffy slowly came to his senses and slipped behind the bar, quickly exhausting the napkin supply as he wiped clean every ounce of green he could from his clothing and skin. Alas, his deep-seated hunger for wealth was a dark green stain that would never wash out. Luffy rested against the bar and thought about what got him here. Suddenly it all made sense, his mind had never been so clear - he had gotten stone drunk and dropped like a rock during his rock hard drinking session. His passionate encounter with Nami had been a fraud; a fake; a falsehood; a figment of his imagination. His heart of stone swayed as he bitterly swallowed, his throat like gravel. Luffy angsted moistly at the thought and moved on, ready to forget anything about it and get on with his pirating career.

Luffy emerged above deck and felt the bright shining sun slap him across the face like his father after discovering he scarred himself to join a cool pirate club. He strolled along the deck, feeling the warmth of the summer heat hitting his healthy head hard, tanning his fine skin. He reached the bow and gazed yonder across the horizon. There was nary a cloud in the sky, the dark and stormy night had gone, and ahead across the bright blue ocean loomed the Straw Hat Pirate's first real expedition - The mystical and majestic Island of Rare Animals.


End file.
